Finishing Law School

Child is off with his dad today and the house is very, very quiet. It's always a bit of an adjustment but I managed to get some painting done (acrylic paint is a challenge for me, but I'm starting to get a hang of the medium), watered the garden, moved the cherry tree to try and get it some more light - I think being in the lee of all the scrub on the upper levels is one of the reasons the buds aren't open yet! - and also checking out the local wildcrafting efforts.
I used to pick mushrooms in the US but I haven't dared it here - I just don't know enough about the varieties and I'm rarely able to walk well enough to do the forays in the first place. So I was rather surprised when I ventured out this morning to find that there were some mushrooms growing right in my front garden! Hm...again I don't know enough about fungus here in the UK but these have a pretty standard "bolete" stem, no frills or anything on the stem, whitish-pink gills and a rather un-mushroomy fragrance which is rather strange. Doing some hunting about online it seems they are St George mushrooms and in theory are edible. However, I'm not stupid enough just to take a chance on these and therefore even though I suspect they are good eating, I'm leaving them where they are. It's good news though if I stay here to have some fungus I could maybe harvest next year if they're properly identified.
And then, there's the yarrow - tonnes of it. The whole front garden is half-yarrow and to be honest this is one of the reasons I'm often rather reticent to mow it! This is nature's antiseptic and I tend to harvest a good bit of this when I can manage it. Now that I've got a bit of herbal garden started in the back, I've been thinking about just lifting a patch of sod and transplanting it, removing the grass and letting the yarrow do its thing instead. Tempting, actually, and that may be tomorrow's project.
And we've got dandelions, yes we do! As a matter of fact, I've started to nuke the dandelion from a few places as I just don't need THESE many. Again, harvesting dandelion heads for wine has been thwarted by energy levels, but I have picked the greens to add to a salad which was heavenly. Noms! Whilst I was doing that, I checked on a patch of cleavers, which is coming along well and should be ready for harvest soon.
I'm still waiting on the elderflowers - I'm eyeing the trees and one tree in particular in the area which has an amazing collection of sweet-smelling blooms. The tree in the back garden is a bit "cattish" as it were, so I don't tend to use it for flowers, but I did pick the berries for tonic last year. I will do the same this year but shan't be taking it - whatever auto-immune issues I've got going on doesn't respond well to the berries, but sprog stayed almost completely illness-free this winter whilst on it.
Spring is definitely happening out there - an amazing spring so far although I do worry a bit about the complete lack of rain (oh dear, did I jinx the weather?) Still, it's hopefully a sign of a promising year out there, with plenty to harvest and share.

Labels: Garden, Good Life

In comes the harvest; and that means I'm doing lots of baking and cooking, I've been eating rubbish due to exhaustion and just not having the energy to cook and my diet has suffered. When I hobbled out to get some cat food today I realised my plans to take child into town were foiled. Everything hurt and even the pain medication wasn't cutting it. So, it's a day inside and rather than waste it being online, I decided to eat something and get caught up with a few chores here - but there wasn't anything for breakfast I could actually eat. I decided to do some heavy foraging outside as well as what I've frozen from earlier this year, and see what I could come up with.
Some white-chocolate/berry muffins have been made, half for the tin, and half for the freezer. Sprog isn't a fan, but for mornings when I only grab tea and maybe some toast, I now have something a bit more filling as well as a bit of a blueberry/redcurrant hit.
I also did a spelunk of the veg drawer; I admit I don't eat anywhere near enough veggies due to the fact the cooking and preparation is often too much for me; it's a shame as child actually loves his tatties, carrots and broccoli but even cutting and washing puts a lot of pressure on my hands, and I like my veg a bit more interesting than boiled. So after gathering what I could from the drawer, I went outside and harvested in some veggies, chard and herbs, and made a big pot of veggie-pasta soup, with a touch of miso added for flavour.
While doing all this I realised my garden is also very neglected; still don't have a strimmer and it's been raining too much to get the mower out. I've got to deadhead some blooms and may as well bring a bouquet inside today.
The house smells lovely and while I still have some takeaway in the fridge, I don't actually want it. The food I've made is much tastier!

Labels: Food, Garden, Good Life

I am aware of a new programme which supposedly once again Gives Power to the People (read, absolves government of responsibility). Namely, to pay people who do DIY on their homes rather than landlords doing what, essentially, landlords are supposed to do - care for the property rather than sit back and grab all the profits. Do not even get me started about this, as I could go on and on about the insurance/shoddy and potentially life-threatening DIY performed by people don't know how to DIY; I've seen loads of really poorly done jobs. The point for me however is I am well aware the current house I live in has a lot of shoddy work in it; the oven and extractor fans are so old the parts aren't around, same with most of the lighting. Insulation is laughable, drafts everywhere and I'm the one who has to pay the insurance on the house, not the landlord. When I ask for things to get fixed, I get rather ridiculous solutions (the pipe-heater I can't actually shut off in a completely un-insulated outbuilding being the most boggling). I'm still waiting on the dining room fixture getting sorted or replaced (neither of which has happened), the extractor fan no longer even pretends to do the job now and I always have to have a window open, and the smoke alarm gave up the ghost ages ago. I've had to turn the heat on again with the drop in temp as it's freezing in here and I can feel a draft from the window coming all the way from the other side of the room. This makes working impossible as I can't feel my fingers, and typing this entry has taken considerably longer than it should.
Since I'm going to be here for a while, I may as well make some changes to things if I can manage it, and just step in to sort things out rather than wait for some nebulous time for things to get fixed or tidied up of their own accord.
The boarded up chimney is the first issue for me, really. I've wanted a wood fire for a while now, but the cost has been rather prohibitive. Still, with things easing up a bit on the money front, I think now is the time for me to save up and get it sorted. There is no chance of me doing a DIY with this; I don't have the energy or the know how and there are a lot of regulations so this is when getting a pro is vital. More to the point I think there's a problem with the chimney and it may well need some fixing first. So, everything needs a thorough check, the chimney will probably need lining, and then I think a woodburning stove would need to be placed as I just don't think having an open fire is a good idea with pets and Sprog. I'll need landlord permission but since it won't cost him a pence I can't see him turning down something which would raise the value of the house - he certainly hasn't done in the past.
Little stuff like paint and smoke alarms shouldn't be a big deal but there's a real issue with being a non-driver and wanting to get some DIY or household stuff in; unless you're ordering from Argos or somewhere equally naff you can't get it delivered. B & Q and Homebase, who in theory offer home delivery on things, seem to only offer delivery on a very small amount of their stock. Infinitely frustrating; I've the money, I've the need, but there's no way for me to get the stuff home unless I grab the one friend I know with a car or get a cab (more expensive than what I need to buy, usually). Still, I'm making headway with that although it irks me to have to order something from halfway across the country rather than from somewhere a few miles away via phone. Heigh ho.
That's a short term solution to the light problem; finding a circular light bulb requires internet hunting as it's not easily found. However the problem hasn't entirely been just the bulb (as I was told by the agents who didn't even bother to check it out), or the rather ancient fitting; the wiring itself in the entire lower portion of the house is malfunctioning and I've mentioned it several times, to no avail. I'm afraid that is something I'm going to have to get a specialist in to sort out - more to the point, it probably means having to appeal to ombusman to force the hand a bit to get it seen to. I'm still trying to decide how to handle it, but I think I'll have the environmental health agency people out to give the house a full inspection, quietly for the time being, and if there's something much more fundamentally wrong then it can be sorted.
I've no idea what to do about the extractor fan - the whole thing is ancient and makes a load of noise when I first start it up. The filter hasn't been changed in years and I admit I'm a little worried it will all just fall apart if I try to do it myself as I imagine it's rather rusty and nasty in there. That is probably going to be another issue I'm going to have to bring up if I can't do it myself.
Walls, drapes and so on: I've been here two years and the walls are definitely in need of a lick of paint. Heigh ho, boring magnolia! Son's room needs a repaint as well and some fixing up of holes and therefore I forsee a few weekends when I'm going to be doing some touchups, appealing to Long-Suffering Friend for a lift into the local Homebase to sort it. Draperies I'm trying to figure out how to sort out as the drapery hangings have been oh-so-sensibly screwed into place rather than left loose so you can wash and change them as need be. Minor, but I've never been a fan of these faded velvet things and could do with having a change during the summer; and I've a sewing machine to sort it once I figure out how to take the draperies down. The draft round the window was a long-standing problem due to getting some naff windows put in - they were being redone the day I moved in but there wasn't much improvement. Incredibly draughty, I'm probably going to have to do some insulating round them myself with some sort of insulation tape or something. I'm looking into options.
So I've got some house-tidy to do this year and I certainly don't need Big Society to help me do it - contrary to popular belief, we tend to have to do these sorts of things anyway because the Council/landlords/whomever take too long and ignore our requests to fix things. It's hardly a revolutionary idea; and I shan't be holding my breath on getting any sort of rebate for doing the work, either. If it's anything like trying to sort out insulation or rental assistance through government subsidies it would take up to a year before they got round to it.
So, setting aside a bit of funding in the savings account and doing some calling about through a builder friend who knows the decent stove installers to get a quote. It's going to take some time to put the cash together but hey, when August rolls round and no one is even remotely thinking of heating, I may be able to get a deal!

Labels: Good Life

Another lovely day after a bit of cloud this late morning - body says it's 11, clock says it's lunch! Still I managed to get outside for a bit to note progress and to do some potting on of seedlings.
Out of the tom and chili seeds I planted I had low germination rates which I'm not happy about :/ I still have time to start more seeds, and I may do, but I think the potting medium was just way too heavy for such delicate seeds. I planted six seeds, only got two. None of the peppers had a chance and two out of three squash seeds rotted right in the trays. This is all I have to show for it, and considering everything was so up-in-the-air I didn't bother to plant any backup. Will be doing that in the coming week as it's still somewhat early.
One thing that is doing VERY well, thank you is the sage! Growing like mad and starting to season some roasting and soups. The chives which are just to the far lower left even survived the winter and will lend a hand in flavouring whatever I can put my mind to this year. I've a pot of basil which is currently on the windowsill which will also go inside, but not in this bed - it didn't do well in here as I think the soil is just too heavy. The grow houses however might suit it well and considering I've not got anywhere near as many toms and peppers this year, that should suit it nicely.
The raised bed combination of netting, cut twigs and sticks from the dog roses (very prickly!) cat repellent and slug pellets seems to be doing the job in keeping the bed relatively pest-free. As a result I have a bit more hope when it comes to my seedlings this year and I have managed to start the lettuce, peas and broad beans. I always plant the beans too deep however and I think I'll need to perform some excavation or plant some more to stagger things out a bit. Even so, the lettuce itself is growing well with no sign of slug damage at all. And that's not due to a complete lack of slugs - they've been going great guns all over my strawberry plants lately so I've placed another order of the pellets. They're very effective and don't leave anything in the ground that shouldn't be there but for a bit of iron, so happy to use the stuff - also the colour is very noticeable to child knows exactly where the pellets are, what they are, and not to put them in his mouth; vital when gardening with a Wump!
I have twice been thwarted by emergencies or hospital visits to get sand for my son's sandbox, but I refuse to accept defeat! Granted I'm somewhat glad I hadn't done it yet as with all the wolf spiders doing their thing outside I don't think he'd go anywhere near the fence line right now and I suspect it's why he's refusing to go out to his bit of the garden at all right now. I don't blame him, the grass is literally TEEMING with the wee buggers. This year I am well armed with strong erythromiacin (sp) in case I get bitten again as the cellulitis was NOT fun last year and if I can self-treat, more the better. In any event, once the grass gets cut a bit the spiders will flee to wilder pastures and then I can get the sandbox filled.
Today marks the first day I want to plant seeds outside directly into the bed, and I'm rather chuffed to do that! First on the list is some early carrots - child's favourites, these grow well in heavy soil and they "bunch" so I don't have to be religious about spacing. Fine by me! Another sowing of peas today as well, and maybe one more row of broad beans. I have to watch the legume intake sadly but I am still a great lover of falafel and growing my own broad beans for this is just a given, really. Child has been asking about growing runner beans (!!!) and so I'm all too pleased to help give him a designated runner bean space and we'll tie up some trestles for them as they grow as well. The holly bush which the wonderful volunteers tried to get out of the raised bed is now back - and I'm going to take that as a sign and leave it jolly well where it is! It's in the far corner against the wall so I shan't be unhappy with it. The tayberry has been planted in the raised bed as well for the time being though I don't think that will be its permanent placement - ideally I'd put it one of my other largeish pots but I'm honestly starting to run out of patio space to put potted plants in at the moment.
The trees and berry shrubs are all getting on with producing flowers, so hurrah there! I'm actually rather surprised when it comes to the minarettes, to be truthful - I didn't expect a single bud this year as they're so new but I'm thrilled to note that both the pear and apple minarette have some delicate pink-tinged bud clusters forming. Whoo! Again, I shan't hope for fruit this soon but it's still a good sign and I'm pleased! The cherry tree is also showing that it is very happily established where it is and I'm already seeing I'm going to have to do a tonne of pruning later in the year to encourage it not to get out of hand - robust growth indeed! The mulberry, as mulberries do, is taking its sweet time doing anything in particular - the buds are still tiny, but they're there. It definitely doesn't seem to appreciate being rushed so I leave it as it is and let it carry on.
With all this lovely weather the grass has been growing pretty well. Unfortunately, so have the weeds. So, with a qualm I have placed the order for the weedicide to try and kill out all the stuff which is encroaching from next door; it's a losing battle trying to fight all of it, so I'm going to nuke it instead. I don't like doing it but I know for a fact I can't spent all my rather limited energy hacking away at all the weeds creeping into our space. It's a bit gutting and I'm trying to figure out which bit of the dandelion "crops" I can leave alone so I can harvest - probably down in the patio bit which I'm sure looks very unsightly to people who don't understand why I have them there, but nevermind!
Energy indeed is something I've really had to be mindful of. Not pushing myself too far has become vital - more vital than before, as those little twinges in the chest remind me. So, when it comes to mowing the garden, I now have to take it in chunks. Every day I will be mowing a little bit rather than try and tackle it all at once. I'll be weeding the beds, planting the seeds, having the sprog help water (his favourite bit!). Carrying on the "haiku gardening" in small increments till I'm healthy enough to increase it a bit.
So onward spring, and with enjoyment, in bits and starts, and a fair bit of sunblock. I'm off out into the garden again!

Labels: Garden, Good Life, Languishment

The DLA credits and money has come in - and bloomin' 'eck, it was a lot! The backpayments kicked in and it means I can finish sprog's room this weekend! I've also bought myself a sewing machine so I can start fixing the ripped upholstery round the house, sew some better blackout curtains for sprog's room, and maybe even make myself some clothes.
The downside? I had to transfer this money into ex's accounts while my own new accounts were being faffed around. I knew this was a bad idea, but I didn't really have a choice - it was either that or lose money like I had done before. This of course meant he saw exactly how much I receive, and therefore made the grand announcement today that I no longer "need as much help" as I did before. So...I'm now responsible for buying sprog's clothes, shoes, and I'll be paying half the rent now. I had asked for a grace period until March, but this apparently IS my grace period. At the end of the month I'll be required to transfer funds over for rent.
Poof, there goes the garden funding I was trying to put together.
This wouldn't be so maddening if I didn't know how much the man makes in a year! Nothing else for it though - so I am now figuring out how to stockpile in food, work my budget now as sprog needs new clothes and shoes desperately, give in on trying to save for the garden and just get what I can (I'm going for some container garden/growhouse stuff), and make sure that I've got everything worked out properly so that there's no nasty surprises lurking anywhere.
Yeah, it sucks - the good thing however is that this means that I no longer "owe" Ex for anything; what he's paying is about as much as he'd be paying for maintenance for sprog. I don't have to hear about how the money that he was giving me was much more than agreed, blah de blah. I am now more or less supporting sprog without much need to lean on Ex and therefore I also don't need to be the one to blame for his inability to manage his own money. And there's actually a fair bit left over after all this to either save up for other things I may want for the house (like a chest freezer) or to save up for taking sprog out during summer holidays and having fun outside as he loves a barbecue - we barbecued every sunny day last year and I'm sure he'd love to do it again!
So, while I'm a bit annoyed, I'm not too terribly surprised, and on some level, I'm actually rather chuffed. It's not a great situation, but it could be decidedly worse. My son is fed, I have plans to keep me busy and maybe make a bit of cash, we'll have clothes and shoes and I'll even have cash to take him on various adventures and things during half term and summer breaks. Vastly improved over last year, with room for improvement if I choose wisely and keep the corners well trimmed on my budgeting.

Labels: Good Life

As it's supposed to rain tomorrow, we moved our BBQ to today, and sprog happily sampled nearly everything, including things I really didn't expect him to eat. Hurrah for food experimentation! We finished out with homemade mint chocolate-chip ice cream, made with mint from the garden. The ice cream maker has already paid for itself I think, though I imagine I've put on a few pounds by now!
Tomorrow, I am bringing forth a new tradition called "Fixing Day". Sundays are sort of "what do we do now??" days when I'm always struggling to find new entertainments for sprog. Since the garden is still in the developmental stages, we've been inside a fair bit, and I've had to create new things for him to do, as well as to actually get things done. He's of an age now that I believe I can start to teach him how to do repairs for himself. We've got pairs of his trousers to mend, a book he loves has a ripped page, and the fourth patio chair managed to fall apart and needs to be repaired. Since sprog is really hard on his stuff, having a repair day is a great time for him to learn how to fix things which end up getting broken, and hopefully will encourage him to consider fixing items rather than throwing them away.
It is also something to do on a Sunday, though I find it works best if I don't have any hard-and-fast expectations as to the outcome if sprog assists. It might go better if I told him to let me do it, but then, how would he learn? I'm prepared to deal with some messes and botch ups.
This week is going to be a bit crazed, so I'm glad to have the time to fix things tomorrow so I don't have to worry about it all week long. It can become a weekly event, as there's always something that needs doing/repairing/taking up/taking down/hemming in/sorting out, and it's better include sprog in these things than keep him out of it. Still, I'm looking forward to getting my stockpile back up to snuff and get back to baking - I've been seriously hit with a need to bake for some reason, so I think another white-chocolate/cranberry/macadamia nut Madiera cake is in the offing very soon.

Labels: Good Life

My immeasurably generous friend, the Gothic Florence Nightingale and I are off to ruin our diets in grand style at the Patisserie Valerie which has just opened in town. I haven't seen here since Xmess so will be nice to catch up.
These outings cost us a bit in cash and spoons; my friend has ME even though she is still working a full time job and also helping both myself and another friend of ours with ME who is wheelchair bound. I honestly have no idea how she does it, but she's amazing. However as we're all starting to feel the pinch in both fiscal and physical means, we're having to go a bit more sedate in our perambulations. We spent a mint last year sampling from various tea rooms and pubs and while a really nice day out with some fun company, it cost us a bit. She's having a funds crunch and while I'm more than happy to give her a bit for petrol, neither of us have a whole lot of coin. Pretty true for most our lot including our dear friend who has terminal cancer - she may have her insurance policy now to spend, but not all the money in the world will save her life. Still, the last years will be good ones if we can manage it.
It's a reminder that life can be brought abruptly short. I remember when she was saying she was suffering from fatigue and wondered what sort of herbs she should take. As I've been in that position before I counselled the first course of action was to see a doctor - and though I was reluctant to do so, I explained the last friend of mine who asked just that question had breast cancer. I cringe when I remember this, as that's exactly what happened in this second instance. She fought hard and still is, but it's a reminder even so of all those "it's just lumpy breasts" and "you just need more sleep" platitudes which aren't always the case.
The good days are days we should cherish and treasure and take full advantage of when we can, no matter who is watching. I'm more than aware there are twitching blinds whenever I walk out the door these days. Mucking about in the garden and she's disabled? Ha! But as the name of this blog suggests, I'm still living in a cage - I've just chosen to try and gild it, grow some roses in it, fill it with music and light and life and make it the best I can.
So now, deciding what to wear which will be flattering yet, more to the point, warm and comfortable. Now to try and remember how to style the hair and what to do with makeup (and I don't remember the latter at all so I leave it out). Jewellery and my walking stick and my best boots (with wool socks beneath). The little moments and the gossip and the reminding oneself why you continue to live another day in the face of a dozen reasons why giving up would be easier.
Chocolate helps.

Labels: Food, Good Life, Languishment

Today has been somewhat of a wash - yesterday's ramble-about has resulted in me being pretty tired today and not willing to do much. Instead, I decided to portion out the chicken I bought yesterday (discovering that cat has a distinct love of raw chicken and chicken liver in the process and he got a share) and made some stock. I used some of my own toms - the huge Hungarian Heart had ripened up very nicely, and the pear toms which had also ripened up were thrown into the stockpot. The box ripening seems to work a treat and while I don't have many tomatoes I'm at least hoping I can make a few meals with them.
Stock sorted, I made some monkfish in lime and tarragon-butter with some of the squash I got yesterday, my own onions and some bacon. Good stuff! Plenty left over of the squash to puree into a soup tomorrow with a bit of coconut milk and spices, so I'm looking forward to that. Even though I didn't have much verve to do much other than cook and sit about, I at least ate well today (remembering to eat is always an issue).
Work on The Impractical Coat continues; I should have it finished by this weekend. It's going to be rather warm by the weight of the brocade, I'm thinking, but it's really more of a dressy coat, not meant for cold weather. If I had a lick of sense I might have quilted it or put in some considerably-more weighty fabric like fleece, but that's why it's Impractical! It's pretty, though - halfway done!
Tomorrow I've got to get into town for two more necessary errands. This is my last weekend of relative silence around the house, and the Return of The Wump! And, in a scant two weeks, he's back to school to start Year 2. I still have a hard time believing I'm even typing that....

Labels: Good Life

I had a scant three days to cram in a backlog of two week's work, whether my wrists hurt like hell or not. I've got a restriction brace on my left wrist now and I think I'm going to find myself going to get something a bit more sturdy and supportive for both wrists if I want to keep typing and painting. It is a bit of a jesus-this-is-really-destroying-my-joints-and-I'm-not-dreaming-it moment that felt more than a little weird as well as rather depressing but I've learned over the past year if a piece of equipment makes a difference, I had best use it without whinging. It's better in the long run.
So, with a semi-supported wrist which hurt like hell (and realising there really wasn't anything stoic about trying to struggle on without) I managed to open my Etsy shop to sell some of my art and my prints. I'll be pimping this about, and hoping it generates a bit of revenue. I've got some new ideas as well which I hope to add shortly but I'm just waiting on a delivery - I think it will suit my style rather well so let's see how it works out! Book promotion is stepping up a notch as well as I am uploading my work to Smashwords but I don't think I'm going to be the next best-seller; the thing about indy book publication is I spend more time promoting my work than writing the next piece, and I really find that to be a huge drag. So it's either going to have to be an agent in the future or I'm just going to do it as and when and not try to make a career of it. With my fair-weather hands, that seems the best I can hope for anyway.
Brewing beer and so forth? Oh yes. I caved, I admit it; I bought a strawberry cider kit again and this week I'll start the brew-bucket with the cider for the year. Last year's batch was lovely and I felt if I was going to go through all the effort I may as well choose a brew I really enjoy. I need my wrist to recover a bit as lifting heavy buckets full of primordial beer won't do me any favours. I need to rack the Gnarly Wine as well but see above. Recovery from whatever injury I did to myself is the name of the game at the moment, in between getting through another longish weekend of wumping.
The Wump is hitting another growth spurt. The trousers I bought a mere month ago are now too tight. He's also managed to break two more slats on his bed (WHY oh why do manufacturers make beds for children with slats??? Flat boards please!). It's now sagging in a ridiculous way and I really have to get thicker, sturdier boards cut and placed but not sure how to do it. He is also very in need of a new mattress (all that bedwetting has taken its toll). On top of the clothes, new shoes, new socks, new school uniforms as I don't know when the Tribunal will happen or what school child will be attending next year, but fall back options are in place. Unfortunately, doing all the shoe shopping requires me to have strong hands in case he manages to make a break for it while we're on a busy street, and today is not that day! Heigh ho, another week will have to go by but hopefully I can pick up more trousers and socks when I go into town for errand runs on Tuesday and maybe another market shop.
Off we go to get it done - or in my case today, to rest my wrist up enough so I can get things done.

Labels: Good Life

No, seriously - it's taking OVER. I can't believe how huge this plant has become, even with regular feline visits. It's giving the sage a run for its money. The catmint is literally crowding everything out of the bed and I'm going to have to do some serious pruning. I think I'll give a call to some of my facebook friends who have cats after I cut it down and offer out the love. I had tried to wait until all the flowers had been fertilised as it brings loads of bees to the garden, but now that most are wilting it's time for a big prune. It's really the wrong time for me to harvest this for medicinal means but I'm sure cats far and wide will appreciate it.
Today I am extending my haiku gardening and doing some mowing, strimming and hedge-trimming. This costs more than my usual allocation of spoons; as a matter of fact I've had to just call it a day at, oh, 10:30am otherwise I won't have the energy to make lunch; I've a whole chicken in the fridge today and I need the energy to quarter it, marinate it, cook it somehow and then freeze the rest of it, then after all that prepwork actually make myself a meal, then figure out what to make my son tonight. Still, in order to conserve energy I'll definitely be munching some salad tonight thanks to the baby leaf lettuce, which is a Gift That Keeps On Giving.
I was able to get the garden cut and beat back some of the weeds. The wumpy space now looks a bit more habitable (though sprog always loved his "jungle"). It has taken some work to get child back into the garden this year - a good portion of that is my fault; I haven't had much energy to play and therefore couldn't sit back there with him and engage him so he's been going onto his computer. Also, whenever the kids next door come outside the wildness builds up a pitch as they or he clamours for each other's attention. This rarely ends well and therefore I've gotten into the habit of ushering child inside well before it starts. As a result sprog needs a load of encouragement to go outside and play. I did however manage to get him into his sandpit a few days ago while I sat on the lounger (until I'd had too much sun and had to get back in) and he was happy for an hour, so we're getting there. Now if I can get him back into the Wumpy House we'll be double-sorted.
The catmint isn't the only thing exploding - the rose wine I started a few days ago has just decided to make itself known and the yeasty must is going everywhere! This isn't anywhere near as much of a disaster as the ex's ill-fated bramble-berry experiment which dyed my walls and ceiling, but it does warrant watching and topping up the water in the airlock. This will settle a bit in a day or so, but I watch it and make sure it isn't reaching nuclear meltdown.
There was a load of windy weather a few weeks ago which sent all my fruit trees pirouetting - was glad to have the supports to keep them from snapping in half! The downside to this however is we lost quite a few fruits, and I've done a survey to find, to my dismay, the cherry tree has only two cherries left on it. Woe! The apple didn't fare much better, losing about half its proto-apples. The Pear's fruit was a bit more protected and managed to survive thankfully. This is a problem and I'll have to think about solutions.
I had more things I wanted to do outside; weeding, topdressing a bed or two, some more intensive garden faff and prepping a spot to move the discovered peony but the truth is - I can't do it. Simply can't manage if I also want to be able to make myself something to eat today rather than subsist on toast. I've used up the day's spoons, but I revel in the thought I can go outside while the chicken is soaking in coconut milk, coriander and lime, sit down on the Languishment Couch and doze in recovery mode for a little while.
Not a bad day.

Labels: Food, Garden, Good Life

After a lovely afternoon and evening spent with friends and acting as adopted family member for a day, I'm home with thoughtful presents and a fair bit of energy after what amounts to me as a lie-in. Today's mission, since child is still up North at his grand-dad's and will be for a few more days, is to do as thorough a clean of the house as I can manage, and also get rid of the myriad boxes, clutter, and junk which is lying about my house, a good portion of which I no longer use.
There was a time I lived out of a suitcase. If I couldn't carry it or sling it on my back, I didn't take it. So it is weird to me how much "stuff" I currently have lying about, and I'm making decisions what to keep and what to get rid of. The most predominant accumulation of stuff has been in my room as that is where I kept all my soap and business supplies. While I thoroughly intend on doing soap again, the truth is I'll probably never produce the stuff on the scale I was doing, and therefore I have to pare what I currently have WAY down. This always comes with a qualm, but I will be getting rid of the stuff I know I really shan't be using, boxing up things I probably won't be using again for a while and storing it away in the loft, breaking down loads of packing peanuts and things which I no longer have to keep for shipping, and binning anything I have no need to sell on or which didn't sell well (and I wasn't keen on anyway). I still have loads left for personal use and for laundry so I'm not worried yet, but at the same time, I also still have loads of oils, butters, and raw ingredients which I'm well aware won't keep forever, so I am going to have to use the stuff up and put it into soapy form before it goes off and I can't use it at all. That's probably a project for when sproggo is back in school.
It must have reached some very low temps last night (not surprising as there wasn't a cloud in the sky) as the lines to the pipes outside are frozen, regardless of the expensive and foolhardy installation of a pipeheater by landlord. The washing machine line is frozen solid and so that has scuppered my washing plans for the moment, however I've turned the heater up and I've got the tap partially open now, so maybe by the end of the day I can get to washing sheets and other bits and bobs round the house.
Already done my least favourite room, the bathroom, and now moving to my bedroom though I've paused for a cup of tea. I've dug out yet another box of books which, for the time being, I will divide up with ex to read to children, and I will have a few here as well. Since the announcement of the equally foolhardy cutting of free books for children (even with the recent news of boys being well behind in reading - granted, they've ALWAYS been well behind in reading if memories of my school days serves true) I am more resolved to get sprog reading on a regular basis. He's been "off school" for the past week and the computer has ruled his life, but he did ask specifically for a favourite book from his younger years (Dinosaur Roar!) so we'll start with that. I intend on buying a new book a month, one for him and one for me. I got "Hothouse" for myself, and a new copy of "Gormenghast" on the way.
So, now, tea cooling, need to get back to my room declutter and hope I can manage at least to get my room done today, then move to the sewing room.

Labels: Good Life

With wump in tow (and me in a sour mood before I even started due to pain and cold; poor sprog, sometimes I must be a right bugger to put up with...), I went out to brave the elements and get supplies in, keeping my goal to stay local in mind.
The market was easy enough - I passed up the citrus fruits and the pineapples, the dates (bit of an ouch there as I like dates) and instead contented myself to storage apples and pears (the pears currently a bit past their prime, but what sprog doesn't eat, my dog will as she's raised raw-food). I managed to get not ONE loaf of my favourite bread, but two - one for the freezer. This was a good thing as the supplier says he might run out of stock; roads are closed and he can't get any of his supplies in! So, score for me!
The meat stall; bones for the dog, venison, local honey and a rare indulgence; farmhouse butter. Honestly, it's gorgeous, you think real butter is "real", try farmhouse, or better still make your own. Heavenly! I thanked them for the lovely turkey for the holidays, and confessed even sprog had eaten his share, to my surprise.
I then went to another butcher where I tend to get my meat from as it's a bit more flavourful - some local cabbage, organic carrots, and some lamb and chicken thighs. By this point, the walking was starting to get to me - the butchers is a ways out of city centre but worth it.
I made my way back to a small, mum-and-pop sort of local store which stocks local wines and beers as I found myself in the mood for mead, and they serve up some of the best. I succumbed to the lure of their Ginger Wine (if it's really good, I'll try my hand at making some myself this year) and also found myself lured in by a dorset bakery chocolate muffin. But herein is the rub - chocolate isn't local, is it? Argh! Nor is demera sugar, which is the only thing I can get sprog to have on his porridge. Grimacing slightly, I bent the rules a bit and got the muffin and sugar anyway. Baby steps, baby steps...
I still ended up having to brave the Tesco's however, as I was on a mission to get sprog the chai tea which he's started to drink in earnest. Unfortunately, stock in the Tesco's is equally scant it seems due to the weather conditions and they were sold out. I settled instead for Lady Grey, and then decided to bend another rule by getting some flowers. Over the past few years I have stopped buying flowers as I couldn't afford them - but I'm in need of something growing and beautiful in my house of late, so I buy �5 of flowers once every few weeks. It tends to also keep the idea of the garden fresh in child's mind and gives him something beautiful to look at - he may find a flower in the bouquet he finds beautiful and will ask about growing them (geberas were the most recent fascination).
The thing I discovered about stepping into Tesco's however, is how quickly I found myself breaking my own rules; I bought pasta, I bought pizzas, I bought stuff to make tacos and wraps and so on. Half the purchases went well out of my local range, if not completely out of the UK. It was rather eye opening and frustrating at the same time. Most of all, I know I had more than enough food when I was going in. I was going to get tea and flowers, but instead, I bought another �30 worth of stuff, even laden as I already was. Such is the lure of the supermarket! It certainly seems to add impetus to avoiding supermarkets altogether as impulse buying just seems to happen in there. Still, considering there is more snow on the way and stock is getting low, it may be for the best that I am fully stocked now with food for everyone in the house, split-decision buying or not.
With some exceptions (chocolate, sigh) it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It does require shopping for the seasons - eating raspberries and citrus fruit in January may seem nice, but it rarely tastes good as it's all hothouse, not to mention expensive and shipped in from elsewhere. It requires being willing and able to cook rather than just take something out of a box. It also means I do a lot of to-ing and fro-ing from market to butchers and then back, sometimes so laden I have to take a cab rather than the bus, which triples my transport expenses.
But after a lovely lunch of grilled, marinated chicken thighs (by weight, about a third a chicken breast, and I didn't feel I was losing out as the flavour was excellent), a bechamel-cheese bake of kale, sprouts, carrots, tarragon and the last of my beans from last year, a cup of Lady Grey with local honey, and - yeah, the muffin, I'm thinking I may be on the right track.

Labels: Good Life

I was bemoaning the need to do some serious weedicide and grass fertilisation and that I'd maybe have to bow to chemicals to do it. I really wasn't looking forward to this idea but the rather major encroachment of weeds marching in from next door seems like there's nothing else for it. However, I did some hunting about and read up on some alternative sources and found that in addition to nettle in high concentration, vinegar is also a major herbicide. So, all hail Ebay, I managed to find some completely organic weedicide in concentrated form! Hurrah! It is primarily made of vinegar and has a few other things in it too. The price was right and I'm sure I can just fill a spray bottle and try this out on some of the back lot and down here on the patio level as well and we'll see how it does. This does kill grass so I have to be careful where it is sprayed but I am so utterly thrilled to find something which won't be incredibly toxic.
I've also managed to get some grass feed in the form of concentrated seaweed which is harvested locally and while it will prove to be a bit more difficult to put onto the lawn (that's a lot of watering!) I'm going to give it a go and see how it does. Didn't put a picture on for that but will see how we manage.
The skies are overcast today but it's still rather nice, and the buds on the fruit trees are amazingly doing their thing even when I've only had them a few months. Will we actually have some small fruits this year? The pear looks quite lovely and has set three of these big sprays of blooms, with more on the way. Hopefully not too early for pollinators but there were quite a few bees outside today so maybe it's just fine.
The apple tree is just a little behind the pear, and has even more blooms! About six or seven at my last count which could produce a few fruits as well. Since the trees are so new I'm going to limit production to maybe a handful of fruits, allowing them to work a bit more at their roots and getting situated and not concentrating so much on being productive. I think they'll do fine in the pots I've planted them in, however, and they certainly seem promising!
And what of the cherry? Well it's a bit blurry, sorry, but the buds are finally starting to burst and form up! It's a bit behind all the other cherry trees (as per usual in our weird climate up here on the heath) but it IS doing it now. I'm already thinking it's going to put a load of branches and growth out this year and I'm going to have to do some serious pruning in August whether I get fruit this year or not! I want to keep the tree compact. The first branches were all somewhat upright but I've taken advice that the weight of the fruit will eventually bend these branches down, so I shouldn't get too tempted to cut them. I'll keep that in mind.
It's all coming along, and I managed to get some marigolds planted round sproggo's bit of the garden, transplanted more strawberries, and got some of the long-chitting potatoes into some grow bags though there's another three or four to go. This year, I am option for the coir/manure/compost combination for the potatoes, though I think they're going to be needing some bone meal as well, so I'll grind down some of the boiled chicken bones I've been holding onto just for such an occasion.
Things grow well, and looking forward to sharing some more produce with my son (even though he's starting to prefer his computer to being outdoors these days, heigh-ho).

Labels: Garden Project, Good Life

I received a call two days ago that I am receiving a DLA reward for my son. This decision was VERY swift, considering - it only took just over a month, but then I have kept documentation of everything and had a friend in pensions help me with the application - and I must say it was one of the most frustrating, depressing things I've ever done. There's something about seeing everything I do on a daily basis in black and white that horrifies....still, it's done, and sorted. I don't know what rate it will be, but I'm rather certain it's at least medium - I may even have a mobility award as well. This means I will have a bit extra every month to spend on things for my son - and that means the garden funding becomes more and more feasible! With back payments I may even be able to fund some things I have been struggling to sort out myself, such as getting the garden designer and her landscape crew in to do some of the heavier clearing. I may even be able to save up for paving.
Excited isn't the word!
I'm still waiting to hear about the fencing, but I was told that might be sometime in January, so not too long now. The same for the Rotary Club. Little by little I am chipping at things, and not a moment too soon; son keeps asking about the garden, and where D (the designer) is, and when the flowers will come and (to my shock) if he can grow carrots. That my son is asking - ASKING - for a vegetable fills me with equal parts joy and disbelief.
I'm in touch with a few more groups at the moment; to my dismay, even though I live in an area which has one of the lowest carbon footprints in the UK, the population as a whole can be described as apathetic at best to many concerns of the community. This may be why many of the outer areas have formed up their own initiatives to care for itself, rather than rely upon this city to do so. The disabled and elderly are left to their own devices, we seem to have a higher than average quotient of anti-social youth who get off their community service and talk about what trouble their going to get into. Programmes to deal with many of these issues fall through due to lack of funding, which seems ludicrous considering the amount of money the community seems to have (if the house prices and cost of living is any indication). So, while I'm generally cutting my way through getting this done for myself, I'm turning to ideas on how it might be possible to make this more accessible for people in my situation, as surely I'm not the only disabled parent with a stretch of ground which could be put to more useful ends than growing grass.
In addition to this, it has been postulated that this area could do with a community orchard. I think the idea is a great one, actually (though I also think to myself 'oh good grief, woman, will you THINK before you take on other jobs?!"). I don't know how easy it would be to sort something out, where it would go, or who would even be interested, but nothing ventured....
The most daunting thing about the task which currently seems to be getting bigger each time I look at it is I have no practical training; I like to garden, I love fruit and veg and flowers, but I don't have a degree. I am just a single mum. Desperation is my only goad, and I have to fill in the blanks by reading - and sometimes even understanding it, though garden design mostly sails over my head. I put in what I like; however, taking on something which is looking more and more like it might become a larger project means I need to think things through carefully. If I don't know something, I need to find people who do. Documentation and being able to be convincing is also highly important (thank the gods for all that public speaking I did in Secondary and Uni!). There's also the rather unpleasant truth that for whatever reason, I am going to face opposition - someone will come along and insist everything I'm doing is for nought, and they will demand I prove that what I'm doing is of any use. I'm more than aware that such people usually won't listen no matter what evidence you give them - some folks argue "just because". Still they're not going to go away; has to be dealt with, by hopefully a more level head than mine.
I couldn't really say where all this is going. There is potential for this to benefit not merely myself, but many people out there who love gardening and yet really struggle with the practical bits. Sure, there seems to be loads of advice out there, and advice is great - but when it comes to actually getting someone to man a shovel (or to scrape together the dosh to even BUY a shovel) something is missing. Maybe I'm completely mad for even thinking so large when I haven't even taken the first few steps.
But just like eyeing the bright catalogues coming through the post, I suppose it doesn't hurt to dream a bit in advance.

Labels: Garden, Good Life

After several decades of desperately wanting to write, giving it up for "real" work, trying another go, getting lost in the "real" world again, and then finally saying "Fine, I'll finish it..." I have. A story I started some time ago finally managed to finish itself for me (as that's how it usually goes) and I have published to Kindle. I expect it may get lost in the crush at the moment as a lot of people are publishing to Kindle at the moment - a fair portion of it rather dreadful stuff - and charging cheap cheap cheap. For me, it's not just about publishing or the royalties at the end, but about bringing some quality stuff out there to get the imaginations of readers going. I think Lon'Aite manages to do that, even if it isn't even remotely "mainstream" (I've been practicing my smile when people say 'Gee you could be the next Rowling' - ugh, no thanks, but I'd be more than happy to be the next Mervyn Peake!).
If you like your fairies a bit "gritty"; if you preferred The Brothers Grimm to anything done by Disney; if you didn't find Tolkien's books to be "too long" or the "words too big"; and if wandering a wood full of bluebells gives you a feeling both of wonder and, ever so slightly, of menace, then I'm thinking you may enjoy walking in Lon'Aite for a while.
Provided, of course, you can find your way back.

Labels: Good Life

Another lovely day today, and the whole weekend looks to be glorious. This is A Good Thing.
I can't do much today, so I'm just staying chilled and giving myself permission to do the bare minimum. What I am doing today however is gardening; LOTS of gardening. I've potted my toms and peppers up and I'm letting them sit outside in the sun as long as it's over 10 outside, but the toms will take a bit of planning as both varities are interdeterminate. I'm debating doing a wire-system on the eastern wall of the outbuilding, but I don't think that's going to be anywhere near enough light. I could maybe get creative when the fence is installed, provided I can keep Ludo from eating my tomatoes.
Sunflower seeds have been started, and I hope to place them along the back garden fencing if possible, to provide them support and allow them plenty of sun. The zinnias are just about ready to bung into the ground, even though evening temps might drop a bit - I have an old sheet I can use to cover things up toward the end of the day to conserve heat. Swiss chard is planted - I discovered a few years ago that I adore swiss chard, red onion, and bacon fried with a bit of olive oil and garlic, and I can't wait for the stuff to grow! Sprog's experimental turtle bean is potted up (it needs hotter weather though so I don't think it will do much). Peas are just starting to break free from the ground, so it will be time to plant the next lot soon. Round carrots are planted - I normally wouldn't bother with carrot plants bought from a nursery as transplanting carrots is iffy, but I've wanted round carrots this year for sprog and yet couldn't find any seed for them for some reason. So, taking a chance on the experiment and I've got some now. I will still plant the Rothchild carrot seeds I have, however, possibly in between the zinnias. They're a few years old, though, so I have no idea what the germination rate will be like, but we'll see how we do.
I potted up more potatoes but I still have about ten more. Good grief, where to put them?! I have an old-style bin in the shed area which I am considering cutting in half - one half for the rest of my potatoes, the other half for the squash, which is growing like mad and soon will be ready for hardening off. That should do; I'll be utilising the compost in a half-and-half growing mix for both the toms and the squash, to give them a good start.
Even with the pots I managed to salvage from the far neighbours, I'm running out of containers to plant in. I'll be turning my attention to all kinds of stuff kicking about the house which I may be able to press into service; juice cartons, plastic buckets and old storage bins. If I can fill it with dirt and give it a bit of drainage, I will plant in it. I've done it before, and I'll do it again. I may just cut slits in the tops of the compost bags I have and use them as growbags.
Strawberries are enjoying their new planting system, and I am topdressing with compost and watering in well. I want a good crop this year, and this means lot of fertilising. I have used organic strawberry fertilising pellets in the barrels this time round when I planted in, but I'm going to do my best to keep on top of the fertilising this year - the crop last year was pretty crap, so going to do things right this year if I can manage it.
Fruit in general seems to be promising; the rather weedy looking raspberry cane I planted is now going great guns in the compost I've placed them in. The cherry tree is starting to bud out, and seems to be happy in its pot. Just going to nuture this fruit this year and make sure it gets a good start so that it will hopefully produce next season - the raspberry canes may find themselves in one of my big pots, tied to a centre stake, once the spuds are done and I have a large pot free. I still want a mulberry but all in good time.
The water-barrel is nearly empty, which is good as it's never been cleaned out, and the bottom is filled with a rather nasty, slimy sludge - hence I've had to fill my watering can from the top rather than the bottom. In the next few days, I hope to nearly empty it entirely of water so I can give it a clean out in time for what appears to be next week's rain. I seem to collect a lot of rainwater with the system so I'm very grateful for the barrel being there and I want to keep it in good condition.
Wumpy house has been chosen! With luck we can get the ground level enough that we can place the house on supports or some substrate and put it right into position in mid-May. At least that is the hope! Of course, sprog wants it painted blue, so outdoor paint and primer will be sorted, as well as a spider-scarer. Nasturtiums have been planted in the salvaged blue and white pots to go outside the Wumpy House, and I've found a really cool sand pit which has a cover so I hope to get that some time in June, cash allowing.
I've got dirt under my fingernails and my leg is throbbing a rhumba up my nerve endings, but I'm sitting on my bed in sunshine and gazing outside at spring with a huge smile on my face.
Bring it!

Labels: Garden, Good Life

...but it's bitter cold!
I was out and about this morning; dentist trip with sprog (he's got a cavity but with a child who can sit still for only 2 minutes at a time, getting him desensitised enough to sit for it to be worked on can be time-consuming), then round and round getting a few deliveries made and copies run off. It figures, when I got home, the sun decided to come out, but at least it's given all the seedlings a good bit of light.
I visited a friend with Languishment and discussed our various propogation plans for the year - another friend of ours was made redundant this year and she is also turning to growing to supplement her groceries. In our wee social circle, we're trying to get together to trade cuttings, seedlings, surplus plants and also put together a plan for attending Pick Your Owns and how to store our food if we don't have a bunch of freezer space; with the way we've been cut off from grocery deliveries the last two winters, we've all decided we don't want to face difficulties, especially as disabled people, so we're banding together on this and many other levels. We're putting together sewing sessions and embroidery and all sorts of other stuff, tightening our belts and helping one another out - all of course with our own unique touches. Typical hausfrau we are not! Tattooed, pierced, black velvet gawth types but still embracing the Old Skool.
So this means my own efforts of growing from seed is not only for us, but anything extra I can't cram into the ground or a pot will still have a home! The asters and zinnias are doing well, the lavender even coming up - not a great germination rate, but I expected that, at least it's something! Tagetes are doing well and the sage is coming along nicely. I planted the tom seeds after doing a "wet germination" (wrapping them in bits of damp toilet roll) and the peppers have also been started. Sprog insisted we plant some peas even though it's early, but he's so excited to watch them grow I figured it was worth doing - my non-veg eating child happy about peas is a good thing! Even the black bean has sprouted, to my surprise, and I hope it will make it. I still have seed to propogate but I'm still out of dirt - may need to ask next door so I can get some potting soil to get the next wave of seeds going. Then again I may be able to give the compost a check in a few weeks and see if I might be able to mix it with the front compost pile to plant in. We'll see.
I'm still waiting on my potatoes to arrive so I can get them chitting. My shallot and onions sets have arrived, however, and once again it's just a matter of having the dirt to plan them in as my long windowboxes should do the trick for those. They can share space with the leeks and carrots. I've got ideas about where to put the growhouse but I still need to wait on the works in March before I can set up - and the toms won't need it till Aprilish anyway, so no rush.
After a somewhat productive day in the outbuilding I have managed to almost clear the space for the homebrew shelving. I've got my eye on a strawberry cider kit which sounds too good to pass up! My homemade ginger beer is also very nice to have on hand, is easy to make, and I embellish it with mint or strawberries from the garden. I've got my own ginger growing right now and I'm hoping to have a fair stash of the stuff by the end of the year if I can treat all the cuttings well enough.
We're coming to the end of Feb now, and it's time to wait on pins and needles for the first grant decision, as well as cross fingers for the charity work coming at the end of March to clear, pave, prune, and fill in some topsoil so I can start getting things outdoors properly.
It doesn't feel like it yet - and this week is going to get colder still - but spring will happen soon. Can't wait!

Labels: Garden, Good Life

The lotus blooms with the rising sun and close at night. Similarly, our minds open up and expand with the light of knowledge. The lotus grows even in slushy areas. It remains beautiful and untainted despite its surroundings, reminding us that we too can and should strive to remain pure and beautiful within, under all circumstances.
This won't be a fun post; this is me lancing a wound which has festered for much too long. This is my attempt to reclaim someone I was, oh, years ago, but who I have had to forget due to just trying to hold things together. When you lance a wound, it smells awful - it lets a lot of horrible gunk out and it gets everywhere. It's not a very antiseptic process, but it allows things to get better.
It will get better.
I have been trying to be "friends" with the ex for some time now - but I've had several bombs dropped on me lately. It's his old behaviour, really; leave me in the dark until he's managed to establish what it is he wants to establish, and then tell me after the fact when it would be even more damaging for me to try and fix the issue. The surrogate child which he has laded time and money on because she's pretty much everything sprog isn't - the room-mate who is now a girlfriend (but isn't really, or something). I already guessed, and tried to call him out on it, but he denied it - even claimed I was being ridiculous. Well, I was right. Thing was I didn't understand the extend of things. How bad it was getting, and how it was affecting my son.
Lately my son has been exhibiting some worrying behaviour; angry and working himself into a nervous frenzy when waiting for his father. When his father came for sprog's Daddy Day on Sunday my son was nearly at meltdown point. I've never seen this before - he used to be all smiles, now his dad showing stresses him out. I realised why soon enough - even though of course his father didn't say anything to me; he'd brought the girlfriend and daughter with him for Sprog's day out. I could see them in the car. I couldn't believe it. A day which is supposed be just for him and Sprog has now turned into a family affair. In short, the one day during the week he gets to see his dad, a day which should be all about HIM, is instead divided up four different ways - 100% attention turns into 25%. For a child with autism, that's - well, that's hell.
When sprog came home, he had a huge meltdown over something completely unrelated. This resulted in ex giving him a softly-softly routine I've never seen him do before; a routine he's obviously been using on a child other than his own. The end result? Even through sprog's yelling, he was smiling. Again, I was stunned; he was acting up because he was getting attention; probably the first completely focussed-on-him attention he'd received all day. I wish I could say I kept my temper but I didn't. I was so furious. I ushered ex immediately out of my house, had to play Evil Disciplinarian to stop the tantrum - and after five minutes of my methods, it was all over. I talked to my son as gently as I could, and found out his father has been bringing his Surrogate Family to every single outing they've had. "She has to come! Daddy said!"
Dear gods...
I talked to three different child professionals, just to see if I was going to blow my stack over something trivial. That's what I've learned being married to ex, you see; all my friends think I'm the "strong-willed one" who rules the roost. It's not true; every time I've ever had a concern or could see something was wrong, I was dismissed as being "illogical". After all, Ex is the one with the IQ no test can measure. That he's also on the Aspergers/OCD spectrum is immaterial - those aren't real diagnosis, they're just trying to hold him back. Any objections I have are due to jealousy (which is true to some point, but after playing the stay at home wife while he was off with girlfriend 1, 2, 3, or 4, that's something I think I can be forgiven), or just not knowing all the facts. That I don't know all the facts because he refuses to tell me them is immaterial. "I'm the only father this little girl has ever had, don't you understand that? What else am I supposed to do?"
I don't know...maybe be the only father your own child ever had? But no, that's just silly, jealous, weak-willed me talking. I've been taught to second-guess every instinct I've ever had. The strong-willed person every single one of my friends thinks I am has completely disappeared into this wishy-washy woman who can't stand up for herself or her son. Well, after all, that was how Ex wanted it.
So, now, I have a son who is desperately using whatever tactic he can to get his father's attention; he'll parrot his father's rationalisations and firmly adhere to them because Daddy is Always Right. But his heart knows something is wrong, and he has no idea what else to do. I can't do anything either - if I tell his father off, forbid the girlfriend and daughter from coming, then I'm the Bad Woman, and my son's ire will come down on my head. It's the way it's always been - ex's family insists I'm the heartless bitch of an ex because they don't realise the girlfriend was in the picture several months before our breakup. They don't know there were seven girlfriends by the time I finally gave up on the Ex; that he was home only three nights out of the week. They "don't know all the facts"; and I don't have the energy to fight the argument.
I know on some level the Ex doesn't realise what he's doing; it's the Aspergers. He truly is incapable of understanding the damage he's doing. But as has been put to me over several days, he is no longer my problem. It is no longer my job to keep trying to explain and explain why this isn't good for our son, and why sometimes I'm not just being a jealous bitch, but I'm actually trying to save the relationship between him and his son. And it's become brutally clear to me that he'll continue to "not tell me all the facts" and just do as he pleases - until I find out, get angry, and then realise there's nothing I can do and have to acquiesce.
He wants to "stay friends"; not for Sprog's sake - but because to a person with Aspergers, change is scary. To actually have to finally sign the divorce paperwork, to have me completely out of his life - that would be a change. He wants everything to stay exactly as it is, for the world to do exactly what he thinks it should do. He's also the most manipulative man I've ever met; physical violence against women is one thing, but let me tell you - mindgames are much, much worse. If I anger my ex, I know I'll pay for it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, it might not come till 10 years from now, but it will come. He'll find a way to completely crush and destroy my world, and he'll never be caught, never be blamed. But he'll make sure I know it was him. I'm completely sure of it.
There is a part of me - the small grieving young girl in me who got enough abuse as a child that i swore I would never ever be involved with an abusive man like my father- who has just realised this is abuse. I've fallen right back into the mess I swore I'd never do. It doesn't matter if he has Aspergers, just like it doesn't matter that the physically violent man is a victim himself and cannot help himself. He's doing it - and I reason I haven't stuck up to him is because I know he'll get back at me. Just like every domestic abuse victim is terrified of leaving her fist-heavy man.
Good god, how did I become this?
"We'll stay friends." But friends are people I can trust. It's become quite clear I cannot trust this man anymore. It may feel like kicking a puppy, he may get that blank look of incomprehension on his face - "What is your problem? I'm not doing anything wrong; I have to move on with my life!" Yes, he does - but he doesn't want anyone else to do the same, to leave him behind and leave him alone. He hates being alone and unadored more than anything else in the world - that's why he needed a harem of women to always be there when he needed the reassurance.
That's not my job anymore.
I want him completely out of my life. I don't want to store his stuff here because he doesn't have the money for storage - if he wasn't spending money on a child that wasn't his, he MIGHT have the funds to do this sort of thing. I don't want phone calls of "Hey, what's wrong?" - that same note of utter lack of comprehension after he's just dropped yet another bomb on me. I need to not only lance this wound, but cauterize it. No contact, no more, at all, ever again. I'm no longer his translator to the Mainstream Social Game. I need to move on with my life too - and that means getting him completely out of mine.
I'm calling on legal aid today - he wanted to avoid the full on divorce route because he said it would "be too expensive" but then he's the one making the upper-end six digit figures. He can stop buying clothes for his surrogate child, stop blowing money on his replacement family and deal with his original one first. Then he's free to do as he likes. But it's time for not just him to move on, but me as well, and not to trust to him to settle things as I know he'll do so in his favour, not mine. I'm tired to constantly looking for traps and wondering if I've being told the whole truth. Let that be someone else's job. And whatever damage will be done with his relationship with his son is also no longer my problem. I can only be there to dry my son's tears and assure him no matter what, I love him.
Somewhere along the line - not now, it doesn't feel possible now - I'll have to learn not all men are scum. I honestly don't know if that's possible. I'll have to learn to rise above the wave of hurt and shock and betrayal and not turn into a bitter woman. I watched my mum do it; and I see myself already following in her footsteps against all my better wishes. I don't want to turn that bitterness to my son, and ruin my relationship with him as well - never being able to move past the man who betrayed her, never moving on.
I want to remember who I used to be; the cackling laughing woman who loved her makeup and her dramatic clothes and wild curly hair. I want to remember what it means to not give a damn when people stare at me - whether it's because they see my ex snogging his girlfriend in front of me, or the way my son starts to scream for no reason, or because I have a piercing and am a tall, fat chick or whatever else they take umbrance to. I want to remember what it was like to dance wherever I pleased and not shrink in the public eye, stammering apologies for being disabled, having a disabled son, for being poor, or black, or too tall, or just for existing. I used to wave the Two-Fingered Salute to greed and cruelty and took care of my own and damn the consequences.
It may mean I Pimp My Ride and tie dye my wheelchair. I'll wear any damn shoes I want because I won't have to walk in them much. I'll watch videos over and over with sprog and we'll shake our bums and play hula-hoops. Fine, and good. But it also means I want to not play "just friends" with a man I no longer even want to see. That I don't have to constantly explain why four different psychologist for children say child time needs to be 100% his time - and no, it's not because they don't understand. I don't want to be clung to in a death grip because someone else can't face change. I don't want to fight a battle I should no longer have to fight, or discover after-the-fact truths.
I fully expect to see a wedding ring on his finger as soon as the ink dries on the divorce paperwork. But then, I also fully expect to hear that the girlfriend of convenience wakes up and realises that a surrogate man she isn't really attracted to isn't worth keeping around, even if it will hurt him to say goodbye. Either way, either way, I don't want it to matter to me. I want that wound lanced, clean and healed over without the scab being constantly knocked off to bleed anew.
I'm trying to get the lotus to bloom. To tend it, nuture it, and make it happen. Let's see if I still have the knack to grow, rather than to just wilt and sink below the waves.

Labels: Good Life, Languishment

As I've now back to having a debit card, whilst I still pay bills in cash to keep track of where the money is going, I have a bit more freedom for purchasing. Not that I allow things to get well out of control as much as I used to, but there have been things which have, ironically, been difficult to get in order to live more simply. Simpler cleaning supplies for one - and I have been buying laundry soap to use rather than making it as I was doing. Ridiculous really since, now that I'm no longer making soap and toiletries as a business, I've loads of soap to use up, and grating it into laundry soap worked brilliantly.
I'm not really able to get in and out of a bath anymore (le-sigh) and washing in the sink hasn't really been inspiring me to do anything fun soaping-wise. No more bath bombs, bubble bars, and I've got more than enough salt bars but without a shower it's a bit redundant. I've got a fridge still loaded with solid oils (some, like the coffee butter, are very expensive and won't keep forever), liquid oils in bottles everywhere, and additives are taking up an entire section of storage space.
I've not got a tonne of energy, my blender fried a while ago - it's warranted for three years but I have been too exhausted to take it down and get a new one. My friends have more soap than they can use so I probably won't be burying them under soap right now. But there are things I want to do with the stock I've got before they start to go rancid on me and are unusable. I've never had much luck with body butters but I'll give a go, maybe do some shampoos or liquid soaps if I can figure out how to make them.
The pressure is off; no deadlines, no have-to-get-this-done-before-Christmas, just for laughs and fun and just for me.

Labels: Good Life

It's a semi-lovely day outside, bit of sun with a bit of gloom, then a bit of sun again...it's enough to get us donning our wellies and getting outside (though I am having to have a care, my feet are painful to walk on - that was going to happen when I was all over the place on Monday, I pays for my days out, luvs). I managed to hobble to the bottom of the garden and get some of the composted soil from the tomato/pepper dump, then brought this back in a bucket indoors so we could do some indoor planting.
I did a tray of wildflower seed - figure I'd start them in there then transplant them when they've grown of a height into son's bit of the garden, or down in the second bed and just leave them to it. They'll be rather pretty and may also act a bit as weed control so hurrah there.
Whilst I was outside, I had a think about what to add to the garden this year, and how far to make the budget stretch. I also did a bit of womble for inspiration. I had some large chimes outside which were lovely but between sprog and dog they didn't last long! I am however thinking of adding some chimes again this year and there's a really cool site where you can actually listen to the chimes before you buy them. I've never seen this before, but it puts a smile on my face every time. Sprog rather digs it too so maybe he won't be so rough on them if I can put them up somewhere safe.
I really wanted to be outside just a bit longer but the pain isn't going to leave me be. Can I again thank the deities, charities, and Independent Gardening that I got the garden sorted last year with some presence of foresight? Truth is my mobility and health has got a lot worse, and the worst-case-scenario planning seemed a bit doom-and-gloom at the time, but now I'm very grateful it proceeded. I have a sturdy surface beneath my feet outside, no more uneven hilliness and I have the raised bed to work in! The big stuff was sorted, and now it's the small stuff I have to deal with: I'm finding I'm going to have to find some sort of portable thing to sit on while I work. Even if it's just a bucket, I don't care, but need to sort it. But this also brought me in mind of what to do for seating on the patio outside. The chairs work fine for wump but, let's face it, my cripple-bulk is too hard on the furniture I have. Besides the point, it isn't such a good idea for me to have my feet lowered for such a long period of time, nor for me to be outside unprotected from the sun. Most loungers are too low, I'm finding - so whilst the one near to Wumpy House is doable when he's in his bit of the garden, it isn't all that great for me; too low to get in and out of and, more to the point, my son being the tactile kid he is he ALWAYS has to be on a seat with me and the lounger isn't big enough for that. So, a Outdoor Languishment Couch is looking like it's going to have to happen in the future. I feel a bit weird about this; it's frightful indulgent for someone wot is Benefit Scrounging Scum, and buying things for myself is still problematic for me. But then I had to go through all the checks and balances of symptoms vs spending time outside safely and after a bit of squirming, sigh, yeah, guess so. Curling up with child outside as the sun sets on comfortable furniture is a dream of mine and always has been, we both love being outside so much and I really want to spend some late nights out with candles and lanterns lit, just hanging out. I'll save up for it somehow and make it happen.
I haven't forgotten the "pink tree" as sprog calls it either! He's fascinated by Acer palmatum "Oridono Nishiki" - a Japanese maple which has a lovely variegated pink tinge to its leaves. I've wanted one but wasn't sure where to put it or how to place it. Definitely needs to be in a pot! If I manage to save a bit after doing the obligatory spring clothes/shoes shopping in the next few weeks, I'll do what I can to score one of these for him and find a suitable pot to put it in and do it justice.
I've taken the last of the strongest paracetamol I have; there's stronger stuff in the house but when child is home I really can't risk it. So this will have to do and I will use my stick indoors just to keep from falling over! Still, the sunlight is coming out in fits and starts, I have a bouquet of tulips and roses which child and I have already discussed at length, we have the biscuits I made and frosted yesterday to share and it at least FEELS springish. I hope today has put him in a better mood for the rest of the week at school, and long may it continue into the week after. Give me strength to not need to break out the stronger meds, and hope for lots of sun so child can wump away in the garden space unhindered.

Labels: Garden, Good Life