It'S About Time
0 comment Wednesday, June 11, 2014 |
It's about time to get these puppies into the ground, wouldn't you agree? It's a shame the actual weather isn't agreeing with me. This weekend I will be taking a portion of the �750 from the Gardening for Disabled (thank you, O thank you) and getting a tonne of topsoil, a few long trough planters, and a walk in greenhouse setup to get the toms and peppers sequestered away. It means I'll have less to do garden works but right now, things are sort of coming to a head at home, and thus the subject of this post. Bear with me as this may turn into a very convoluted ramble - partly induced by the half-glass of homemade strawberry cider I'm currently drinking.
I seem to be having a bit of a health relapse at the moment; I was hit with something in November of last year which I attributed to the "swine flu" virus, and it may very well have been a bit of it, but the resultant symptoms stayed round for months. I wasn't completely back to what I call "normal" until mid-January. Now, lo and behold, I seem to have been hit with something similar again; I've been ill and sniffly/coughy/wheezy since the end of April, and it's now heading to mid-May. This is, to be blunt, The Pits. I have an event scheduled for the end of this month and I didn't manage to get the soap done that I wished to - no energy, and I can't smell well enough to see if I'm getting the blends right on a few new soaps I wanted to try. My exhaustion level is pretty high, and at night I find myself zoning out from 6:30, just trying to stay awake till 8pm so I don't feel like a total schmuk.
Now, according to my GP this is possibly a fibro flare, although the rheumatologist doesn't believe I have fibro at all, and is putting me through tests for ME. My ayurvedic practitioner thinks I'm having a glandular fever relapse - I had glandular three years ago and I have relapsed twice. Yes, I know you're not supposed to be able to do that, but I have. He also feels the spider infection I had isn't helping my immune system much. Add to this delightful cocktail the ongoing issues with sproggo, his education and his re-statementing and on the whole, I've got stress-out-the-wazoo. So, after a bit of obligatory grumbling, I've conceding the point and scaling back on the business, selling only at local venues I can get to or outsourcing my wares to friends. I probably won't be doing much for Yuletime selling, either. I'm on part time status and will only just be turning things over. I need to concentrate on my health considerably more than I have been, and this means chilling out a hell of a lot more than I have been doing.
This is a huge adjustment for me. I don't like ruts, and I don't like feeling like I'm just coasting through life without contributing something to community. This is bollocks and I know it is; I had a friend stare at me like I had sprouted an extra head "You've got a garden for your son and yourself, you've petitioned for assistance for mobility in the house, you've got new insulation being installed, and you're getting the city council to consider putting together a community garden, PLUS run a business, PLUS take care of your child by yourself. What the hell else do you expect you'd be able to do?" ....Yeah, I guess so, but still (!)...that whole "get a job or you're a sponger" thing I can't seem to get out of my system.
But the writing is on the wall; I've been ill - really, almost incapable of coping ill - nearly every month now for the past two years. I've never fully recovered, I've only managed to recover just enough to keep pushing on until I hit the next wall, and then fell over again. I've had it put to me that I'm fighting the same illness over and over again, without ever really beating it, because I haven't had the time to really concentrate on getting over it.
So, I've now cut my work hours - I'm seeing the rheumy again in June, and I've taken care of some debt stuff which was stressing me right out. I'm calling in some help from friends for selling the end of this month (and they have even offered to sell things for me - I need to check my insurance to see if they're covered for that). I'm hoping to hammer out a definitive regimen of exercise which won't put me flat on my back - hopefully hydrotherapy - laying down a good paper trail healthwise so that I can do the dreaded Apply For Disability for myself if I must (and I recognise that I may have to now. I thought I could hold out, but maybe not). I'm applying for respite assistance for sproggo during half terms and summer holidays. My diet is being shifted to something more high-protein, high-vitamin, as I have the habit of reserving all the fruit for my son and eating none of it myself, which is Not A Good Plan. Everything is changing, and will be doing over the remainder of the year, as it may take at least that long before I see any kind of result.
And I am gardening. A lot. I am recultivating the lilac tree which is outside my house; I know my landlord cut it down and I even get why he did it, but still, I'm very fond of them and I want it back, and I may even place a few out back. I'm spending �250 of the money I received not on my son's garden needs, but on my own; selecting plants I really want to have (mostly medicinal as not having white horehound or mallow root on and in autumn REALLY frustrates me), getting tools which will make gardening easier for me to do. It may shortchange me for doing some other landscaping but I'll deal with that. I'm going to be doing a lot of therapeutic pottering about, because I need the time to unwind and just be in the moment, without worrying about the hundred and one jobs I do not have the energy to do, or when things will be "done" - they won't be, duh, but I've still got that mindset, yanno? It's possibly as much exertion as I should be doing at the moment, and I may need to be armed with a puffer for my not-100%-lungs while out there, but it will please me, and do my heart good to have something to do with my sproggo, picking flowers and chattering away about them as we go.
So, I'm going to be doing what, I suppose, is going to look like I'm living a life of leisure - napping, not a whole lot of working, going to work out at the pool, and forcing myself (sometimes, literally forcing myself) to get out and socialise now and again. However, what I'm doing will be trying to heal in earnest. I am going to endeavour not to grouse and rant and rail at the time it takes, but instead be grateful I am in a situation which allows me to do so, to concentrate on my health and little else.'s about time I did that, then.

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