Walking The Walk
0 comment Tuesday, September 23, 2014 |
In light of my new epiphany to Take It Easy on Myself a bit more, I cut plans short today; the grand scheme was to do shopping, get a bit of stockpiling done, run to get the items required for doing my son's room, and then go out to see a friend I haven't seen in ages.
The theory, however, proved to be false.
The day started late; train delays meant that Ex was late to get child (and once again bemoaned having to come all this way to pick up our son - couldn't I bring sprog to London instead? Another demonstration of my incredibly poor grip in my fingers and a graphic description of what could happen if I was unable to stop our autistic child from charging about in a train station stopped any further conversation in that direction). This however also meant that I was very behind in my shopping. Shopping today was a varied affair combined with market and butcher shopping (and a fair bit of walking) with a huge supermarket shop to start establishing my stockpile pantry. By the time I got home with spoils and put them away in appropriate places/containers, it was 1pm.
The only way to get to B & Q is either to take a cab (extremely expensive) or walk. I was starting to feel the strain of carrying all that shopping round before I got to the supermarket, and I had promised sprog that I would do his room this weekend. I went into my usual mode for a moment: the "I'll just do this run and then give myself time off".
However, I know the signs of when my body has had enough. Normally, I am fully aware of these and just ignore them. There's no one else about to get up with sprog at 4am but me, so exhausted or not, I get up. I'm just used to forcing myself to function. Today, however, was a classic setup for what was coming into being a flare. I was hobbling about at 1am,, the pain in my feet and legs was so severe that I could only walk in a staggered shuffle. I was absolutely exhausted. Even watching a video, even sitting upright, felt like a huge effort and required force of will - I was trying to keep myself awake, because I am just used to having to; when sprog is up I don't dare have a nap. Those are just the coping skills I've had to instill into myself so that now, even when my son isn't here, it's automatic.
I could have pushed it, I could have managed to somehow drag myself down the mile or so to B & Q and then waited round for a cab to get me back with three cans of paint and painting supplies. I've done it before; been in so much pain and so tired that I've stopped talking as I was just concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. I could, techically, have gone and managed to get that final chore done. But I would have been useless for the rest of the day, and the evening out would never have occured.
I warred with my conscience - making a promise to my son is not something I do lightly - but I had an offer from a neighbour for her to drive me down to B & Q and back any time during the week if she had the time to do so, as opposed to blowing cash on a cab. I could work on sprog's room this week, at my own pace.
So, I gave myself permission to instead head to bed for an hour's nap, then get up and have a very hot herbal bath. I cooked a decent dinner for myself as well as baking a rather passable madeira cake, and ventured out to see a friend (and the pub landlords who haven't seen me in two years and were overjoyed to see me again.) It must be said, without taking paramol and my walking stick, I doubt I could have made it at all, and I did receive a ride home so I wouldn't stand in the cold.
I don't know why giving myself permission to be exhausted and deal accordingly is so difficult for me, but it is. It's one thing to say "I'm going to be more careful with my health", but actually DOING it puts one to the test. Maybe it's just the SAHM syndrome that sees all the tasks that need doing, and how none of those tasks are ever done - the thing is, housework is never going to be done. Finish one job, and there's three more. Why kick yourself for the three jobs you haven't done? Be happy with the one. Tackle the other three, one at a time.
It's a new outlook which requires me to walk my own walk - even if said walk is sometimes just a shuffle. It will get easier in time; this isn't laziness (and yes, I do have to tell myself that from time to time). This is necessary if I want to be able to do anything at all.
So, the room will have to wait. I don't think sproggo will be happy with that, but it will have to suffice so I can have my energy for other things - and since he's asked for a cake-baking session on Monday, burning all the energy I have so there's nothing left after the weekend just isn't a good plan for me.
Besides, the payoff for the day is a cranberry/macadamia nut/white chocolate maderia cake,made with real butter, and meeting some lovely people for my all-too-rare social outgoing moments. I feel internally refreshed, even if my body is still protesting the activity. An early bedtime, methinks and then tomorrow a bit of deep-cleaning at a sedate pace.