Scaling Back A Bit
0 comment Friday, August 29, 2014 |
It's half term and we're managing to get through it, though I'm still recovering from being ill and haven't really been able to do much. It's boring for child but we've managed to play games and do some playdoh things, baking cakes, and so on.
The pace keeps reminding me that I've got to slow down; I'm trying to work, and I enjoy it, but only if I have the energy to actually do it. I'm gritting my teeth and having to admit to myself, even though it stings greatly, that I simply cannot and should not be working right now. At all, really. I'm gutted, but it's true. I have several scripts, I've got paintings and so on out there, and a book finished, another in the works. But all of this is slow, slow, slow. There are days I actually open the good ol' Word programme and just...stare at the screen trying to figure out what it was I was trying to say. I have three paintings going which I haven't touched - two candles I want to paint, as well. And I DESPERATELY want to paint them. But I just...can't.
I have been persevering because I'm scared to death of losing the house, of not being able to buy food for my son or get him clothes or the hundreds of other things we need but, naturally, neither DLA or Social Services will bother to get for us. I've been doing what I had to do because I have little choice. But the same old signs are starting to appear as last year; simple colds become more than just colds, exhaustion kicks in to the point even brushing my hair is an ordeal. I'm charging headlong into the next crash and burn, but I'm just trying to hold out until the housing benefit kicks in, until the Mobility DLA for child (and am I even remotely well enough to drive if we manage to get it?), until the school stuff is sorted...there's always another reason for me to keep pushing my failing system just a little farther, just a little longer, even if it's the worst thing I can possibly do.
But I think before the summer comes, when there's six weeks of full time child-duty to sort through and I know any work I have will absolutely have to cease if I'm going to get through it, I need to face the music and shut it all down to "hobby" status. No more tax credits (and believe me that's a huge portion of my income right now). No more trying to hit the deadlines no matter how foggy my brain or how much my hands hurt. And that means having to be careful with our food and other expenditures as the money just won't be there - neither will any help if things go horribly wrong.
Not sure who these "most vulnerable" are who are being protected but it damn well isn't us. So, I'm going to have to see what I can do in order to keep the wolves at bay.

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