And The Not So Good Day
0 comment Tuesday, September 2, 2014 |
Meeting at the school was sadly, complete bollocks. A discussion with lots of positive bureaucratic buzzwords which had my head reeling. End result? No special school placement - just "wait and see" how they do, which we've been doing for two years now.
Home to try and discuss possible scenarios with ex, and the realisation that his family still hates me as he hasn't bothered to explain I left because he was a cheat surfaces. Further surfaces that the trust funds he's holding for child are in current "we're just good friends"/girlfriend/fiancée/whatever the hell she is's name, and his dad. If anything happens to ex, what are the chances I'll see any of that money?
Yeah, exactly.
Conversely, what are the chances if I allow custody to go to ex that, if anything happens to ex, they'll let child go back home to me?
Yeah, exactly again.
I feel exhausted and completely at sea. I knew I was alone in this, but I honestly truly thought somewhere there would exist some form of help for people like me. The cuts have taken care of any hope of this however, and I'm on my own.
So I've had a cry and moment or three to gather my thoughts, and I've done what I've always had to do: start the laundry, do the dishes, think about what to make for dinner and decide which battle to fight and which battle to give up on.
Right now, the school is just going to have to muddle on best they can. I can't fight that battle anymore, I don't have the energy - and they're not going to want to lose their statistical placement, it looks good, especially as they're one of the worst schools in the county. I've had the energy to fight for child or fight for myself, and I fought for child - this made me worse.
So, now, that has to be put aside for the time being as I try and concentrate on my needs to be able to keep being a parent to sprog. I'm not even going to say anything about sprog going to his dad's anymore - not an option, at all. I'll be in my grave before that happens. The perk however is social worker has done a gradual shift (as people do after a while) from thinking I was just a hysterical ex-wife to realising it wouldn't be in sprog's best interests for him to live with his dad. However, he's also just seen how completely exhausted and ill I looked today and I know he's thinking "child in care" as a possibility.
Again, I'll meet Death first.
This is a goad for me to focus on myself this coming year; I have to get the diagnosis sorted out and I have to insist on finding ways to improve or at least to be able to cope a hell of a lot better. I need to find that magic line between "really needs help right now" and "unable to cope, come take my child".
I also need to keep writing and keep painting. I'm going to be doing some work on that score today and I've also got my headset which I'm using to train my computer to my voice so I can keep working even if my hands hurt. I'll try and keep productive for as long as I can manage it, and try and find ways to keep doing what I need to do in order to bring some funds in. I'll do whatever is necessary to keep moving and get as well as I can.
I'm on my own...there's no safety net, no fall back option. I've got good friends and a quick mind even if my body is failing. I'll do this, and I'll do it myself.
So, carrying on.