Dancing On A Fulcrum
0 comment Sunday, July 6, 2014 |
I've made plans known to ex and received the predictable response; he has no intention of assisting with homeschooling (even though he is the maths and computers whiz) nor does he like the idea of me removing child from school. He will continue to dictate from a fair distance away what I should and should not do, without actually trying to help with any of it. Fine; it's not exactly a surprise. I'm sure the LEA and school and social services will say the exact same thing, so I'm bracing myself for that as well in the coming week.
On the flipside, I have several homeschooling friends who are all too willing to help and give me advice, have pointed me toward Education Otherwise (so I'm glad I checked in on them!) and even plans for carpooling to get me to groups and things with child. There's even a several schoolteacher on two forums who are very willing to help me bash out a curriculum for child, and of course the helpful wisdom of others through the internet who have given me invaluable advice.
The thing which I balk at most however isn't the need to dredge up energy from who knows where, or wracking my brains for lessons in subjects I know nothing about, or trying to find ways to teach child in a means which never worked for me when I was a child in an attempt not to confuse him. The main problem for me is all the structure involved when dealing with a child on the ASD spectrum; tables for daily tasks, routines, everything following in a row upon row with no surprises, no unpredictability. As a mother of an ASD child I find myself getting into the same habits of routine and structure.
And I hate it.
Nothing kills my spirit so thoroughly, nothing puts my mind to sleep so completely than a routine. I get in a rut I can never leave, caught in the same groove of repetition till I can do it blindfold, feeling like a machine programmed in a production line. It doesn't soothe me, it doesn't make me "more productive". I loathe it. And now and again, though I don't care to admit it too loudly, I resent the fact there needs to be so much of the damned routine in my life for the sake of child.
I find ways to rebel; I always do dishes in the morning but sometimes around noon I feel a strange smugness in having the sink still piled. Lounging in PJs becomes an act of defiance. To randomly decide to do something different is sweet heresy. To do things when I want to do them becomes the greatest freedom I could ever have, and I struggle with the thought of the coming who-knows-how-long (weeks, months, years) of day-after-dayness just to keep my son from collapsing into howling tears because THIS Monday isn't exactly like LAST Monday.
So my biggest challenge is to find a way not to put myself into a emotional coma whilst I homeschool child. I'm having to think on ways to do this. Keeping my childminder at least till this summer so I get a requisite three hours of "time off" three days a week is one way, and allowing child some burn-it-off time outside during the day (without the next-door kids to distract) is another. I'll still have some weekends to myself though these will be scant. I'll find a way to keep myself awake and alive, and to give my son the structure and security he needs.